I remember thinking as a kid about how lucky I was to have such a perfect and happy life. What I didn’t know was that I only saw part of the whole picture, because the rest of it was mangled by none other than myself.
To keep my innocence, I weaved a I weaved a new narrative from happy memories for me to read. carefully stitching together moments of joy to form a comforting blanket of nostalgia. because I knew that if I learned the truth, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’m sure my past wasn’t that bad, yet, my childhood feels like a blur. Even some of the happy memories slipped through my fingers
Now that I’m older, I realize the many mutilated pages in the book of my childhood. What looked to be a clean and pristine page are now marked with tears and stains, showing the struggles and pain I ignored. Now that I’m older, I learned many ugly truths I hid from myself. The facade I built has fallen, revealing the raw reality beneath. Now that I’m older, I can see and remember the hurt from bitter memories. The wounds that were once hidden have come back, demanding to be acknowledged and healed. Now that I’m older, I’ve retrieved some torn pages that I was able to piece together. The fragments of my past, though incomplete, have started to form a clearer picture of who I was.
I do remember some things from the past: that I loved my family, that I had terrible control over my emotions like I do now, that I was extremely generous, that I hit kids I deemed inferior, that I was smart, that I wasn’t the perfect kid. These memories, both good and bad, are the building blocks of my past. They remind me of was used to be, and what has changed.
I’m sure many people wish to go back to the blissful state of childhood, to be ignorant and lead a simple life. The allure of innocence and simplicity is strong, a tempting escape from the harsh realities of life. But for me, I’d rather face the truth head-on. I’d rather eat the fruit of knowledge I forbade myself long ago. The pursuit of truth, no matter how painful, is a journey worth taking. It is through this journey that I can truly grow and evolve.
I’d rather grow up. To embrace the complexities of life, accepting the imperfections of my past, and striving to become a better version of myself.